25 Years and Counting: Secrets of a Long, Happy Marriage
Posted: Sunday, March 20, 2011
by Jean Horst
Twenty five years ago this month, I walked down the church aisle toward the guy I was crazy about and embarked on the life adventure of marriage without really any thought other than, we love each other and that will make it all be fine! Approaching this milestone of ours has brought on the standard retrospection. Summing up how we stayed together is not an easy thing for me since I see ours as such a uniquely blessed situation and I don't know if what worked for us would work for anyone else.
We are still and have always remained very much in love with each other. We both think we're hard to live with and don't really know how the other one puts up with us. We are opposite personalities, yet we each wish we were more like our spouse. We see the differences in personality and viewpoint as one of our great strengths to be embraced, not minimized. We celebrate it, not fight it. We're not afraid to compromise. We know that just being aware of what your partner thinks, believes, and wants is only the beginning of communication. In our case, very often, we thought, believed, and wanted different things; opposite things; opposing things, even. What to do then? Communication is only as effective as the willingness to compromise with each other. In our case, I'm a GREAT debater, I am really good at winning arguments. Trust me, that does not lead to longevity in a relationship. Choosing to stop debating just for debate sake did wonders for our effective communication. In marriage, you can't have a winner and a loser. You really have to both win or you both lose. Pretty much the only choice there is. It's so much more fun to end up on the winning team together.
One pretty simple thing we learned - LIGHTEN UP! It's a drag living with someone who takes themselves too seriously. Choose your battles very carefully. I'm a multitasker living with a laser focus person; it's the genetic way we are. Does it really matter who is better at cleaning up? No, it does not. So I own what I'm good at and don't nitpick over the fact he's probably not. You know what? He's really good at the stuff I suck at - so it's all good. We made a deal; I won't nag over his inability to see trash and clutter, then he won't nag over my inability to turn things off when I'm finished with them. Believe me, my picking up after him totally paid off when he didn't yell at me for leaving the water run in the sink and accidentally flooding the bathroom (twice... in 2 different bathrooms) or letting the oven on for days (I'm not kidding)! I may do my things on a daily basis but when I mess up, I go BIG. It more than balances out. Another thought about this, I don't need him to be me - there's already one of me and that's plenty in this relationship. I NEED him to bring things to the table that I can't and vice versa. That's why I fell in love with him in the first place - so we own it and enjoy it, "Viva la difference!"
Oh, and we make sure to have lots of fun as often as possible. In some weird prescience, my very young self made my even younger fiance promise in our wedding vows that we would always have fun. It's really the only thing I specifically remember from our wedding vows. I had no idea how really important it is to be able to have fun with the person you live with. I guess though, if you're really going to live happily with someone for life, it would be really difficult without being able to enjoy them and life together. There are some things that can not be made better with humor but not very many. Quite often, humor brings everything into perspective and shakes out the manufactured issues and leaves behind what is the crux of the matter, then the communication and compromise needed become so much easier to accomplish in that lighter atmosphere. We make a point to find things to laugh about together.
These are the things I've been comtemplating as we approach 25 years of marriage. Our life together has been about hanging tough together no matter what, having fun whenever possible, celebrating the differences as benefits, and seeing it all as our adventure.
I have to say one last thing, it takes two people to do this. Life likes to slap you in the head every so often and there's no guarantee that someone will stick it out with you. I'm still crazy about the guy I married all those years ago - he's worked every bit as hard if not even harder than I did. We've been in this together from the first day and he's not looked back. He's had the grace to let me be myself and grow and not lock me into some preconceived notion of what I and my "role" should be. My real secret to staying married 25 years is in the guy I married. Here's to you, Babe, I've never met anyone who comes close to you and I never will. I'm looking forward to the next 25 years and beyond. I'll love you forever.
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More commentsCongratulations Bruce and Jean! Twenty-five years is something to be proud of. Your children are blessed to have been raised by parents who have so much love and respect for one another. I agree opposites in a marriage can work if you embrace your differences and like you said, a sense of humour goes a long way too. :)I can tell you use humor in your life too! :) I appreciate comments!
What an amazing article to read! Your advice is right on! Choosing your battles wisely is one of the greatest secrets to a successful marriage!Thank you, Joanna!
This is a very inspiring article Jean and you should plaster it all over the web (its ok I will not tell Bruce) as there are some very crucial aspects of sustaining a loving relationship within your very clearly articulated revelations.
That you recogonised that your individuality, your differences, whilst at times were no doubt irritating, were crucial. Do we really want to marry ourselves, are we really that perfect? Of course not, so, as you so well point out, a successful union, is as a war of the worlds, no that is over dramatic, but I think you know what I mean.
Because of my work I see so many relationships flounder as one, or other within the relationship regards the other as a wall to lean against, an easy ride and it never works, ok maybe for a while it can, but sooner, or later the work horse, regardless of his, or her individual strength tires of the burden.
Unfortunately there are very few guides to falling in love and raising a family, if it was included within my education I must have been sleeping. I was taught a bunch of stuff, for example, algebra (I,m sure it will come in handy one day) and a bunch of other stuff, but marriage, raising children, nope, I,m fairly sure that was not considered an important thing for me to be taught.
A little strange no? I have written countless articles questioning this glaring anomoly within the education system, at least in the west, but as until now neither the Pope, or any other Religious, or political leader has phoned? Perhaps they are busy practising their knowledge of Algebra?
I cringe whenever I hear someone say their relationship isn't working out because they are too different... I'm pretty sure I couldn't be married to "me". There is a definite lack of good information given and too little training in effective communication and relationship building. Thanks so much for commenting! Let me know if the Pope ever calls. ;)
What an inspiration! Thanks for sharing and wishing you another fabulous 25!Thank you very much, Heidi!
Wow, this was very interesting and held my attention all the way through. I enjoyed your tips!I appreciate it, Chris!
I have been married for 35 years. I made a promise to God to that I will ensure that divorce will not come from me. God has helped me to keep to this word.Good for you, Anon. I hope your marriage is a happy and fulfilling one!
Excellent article Jean, and you apparently have done an excellent job with your family. My wife and I had some yelling episodes early on, but separation and/or divorce was never an option for us, so I learned to shut my smart mouth up instead of trying to get her to. And as years went by I can no longer stand to see her angry at me. I'll beg or cry or whatever to get her back on my side.It may sound old hat, but I truly love her now, many times more than when we first married. I feel very bad and lonely if she goes somewhere with out me.Seems like you've found the secrets too, Joel! I very much appreciate you reading and commenting. I love your line, "I learned to shut my smart mouth up", I totally relate!
Great article Jean, and congrats to the both of you!Thank you very much, Ronyae!
So, this husband approaches his priest and says,"Father, I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
The priest says,"Let me talk to her."
The priest talks to the wife for three and a half hours.
He returns to the husband and says,"I just talked to your wife for three and a half hours."
".......Take the poison!"
Very Funny.
Jean, my husband and I are parallel with you and Bruce. Right at 25 years--we are not sure unless we pull out the marriage license and decide which of our marriages we should celebrate. (#2 is to compensate for the #1 in which we were less tolerant of each other).
I don't think Bob has ever cleaned a toilet, folded maybe--5 towels, did dishes a couple of times, cleaned 1 shelf in the refrigerator--once; and I have never rebuilt half a house after Katrina, then again after a fire. I also have never taken a broken care apart and put it back together again in working order. Yes, we too have decided that we are blessed in balance.
It also has occurred to both of us that few other people could live with either of us long term.Thanks Suzi! Congrats to you and Bob, too!
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